Monica Lewinsky's Stained Dress

Monica Lewinsky's stained dress is smarter than Barack because Monica Lewinsky's stained dress never advocated for government-mandated mortgage reformations and interest rate reductions designed to benefit and encourage irresponsible homeowners who bought homes that they could not afford at the expense of responsible homeowners who stayed within their means, worked hard to keep making payments, and will now be stuck with higher taxes and unfavorable mortgage terms as punishment for having done well and fulfilled their obligations.

Bud

Bud is smarter than Barack because Bud never proclaimed that he, as president, would be more open and honest, more willing to answer tough questions, and more available for exchanges with his detractors than any president before him, but then prescreened the questions and their askers at his first major press conference, all while attempting--again, and as always--to convince his viewers of the conceit that he is more prepared, has better ideas, is tougher, and is more intelligent and intellectual than his predecessor.

Luigi

Luigi is smarter than Barack because Luigi never called a last-minute, prime-time news conference and embarked upon a desperate, nationwide campaign to spread the lies that the democrats' so-called stimulus bill contains no pork and that the republicans are reacting to the bill not in a principled manner, based on beliefs about the appropriate role of government and the kind of and extent of government action that would be truly helpful, but in an obstructionist, blindly partisan manner to the end of rejecting his altruistic salvos and doing further damage to the economy.

Vienna Sausages

Vienna Sausages are smarter than Barack because Vienna Sausages never supported an effort to ignore the plain language of the United States Constitution, which provides that the members of the House of Representatives are to be elected by the people of the several states, by arrogantly proposing that Congress has the legislative power to trump the Constitution--without a Constitutional amendment or a public vote--in order to secure representation for the District of Columbia, which is not a state, all to the end of increasing their party's own majority now and ensuring for their party a perpetual advantage in future elections.

Hooch

Hooch is smarter than Barack because Hooch never harshly criticized the prior president and his administration for playing on Americans' fears about terrorism and then turned around and played on Americans' anxiety about the economy by writing a cynical, condescending editorial in the Washington Post in an attempt to sell the lie that the Democrats' unbelievably expensive, pork-filled, wasteful, misguided, and out-of-touch spending bill was in fact a stimulus bill designed not to fulfill stale, old liberal pipe dreams but to reinvigorate job creation, private investment and development, and the credit markets.

Britney

Britney is smarter than Barack because Britney never appointed three tax cheats to high-level federal government positions, including to two cabinet posts, on the heels of her administration's own claims that the standards for ethics, accountability, and transparency in government during her presidency would be higher than during any presidency to come before hers.

Corky

Corky is smarter than Barack because Corky never gave the very first interview of his presidency, in which he apologized for Americans standing up for our freedom and security, to an anti-American, Arab-run news network, prompting the president of Iran to triumphantly conclude that his apology is the long-awaited admission of America's passivity and weakness.